Seesaw.

I’m happy and I’m sad. I’m content but I’m depressed. I stand somewhere in the middle but sometimes I find myself humped over to one side.

A seesaw is a good way to explain what it feels like; atleast for me; to deal with my episodes. Imagine sitting on a seesaw alone. You’re putting in that extra work to keep you from sitting on the ground. Basically rock bottom. Here comes along a fellow kid who jumps on that seesaw with you. Now you’re flying in the air. Now the seesaw has a different feeling. The seesaw is me. And that kid? Well he’s your therapist, or friend or parent or stranger. Helping yourself can take a hell of a lot longer than just accepting the help (ears of a listener).

When I was fifteen I remember telling my mother that I was sad. No explanation as to why I was sad. I just had this overwhelming feeling, like a weight permanently weighed down on my smile. My mother’s, like most loving parents, inital response was to send me to a therapist. Being as proud as I was I denied it; thinking it meant being sent to an insane asylum. I also didn’t want a doctor to drug me up. Girl, Interrupted played a major role in my decision making. In hindsight I should have went.

Therapy is much more welcoming than I once remembered. Everyone is seeing someone about something. We all have got some issues we need solutions for. I believe that we are living in this reality of medicated happy?  Some drink, some do drugs, some take happy pills. And the rest of the people? Well they have found inner fucking peace. They have found the holy grail. What exactly is inner peace? Mine is acceptance. Accepting the true nature of your soul. Accepting that not everything is going to be great not everything is going to be rainbows and lollipops. A lot of things will be dark and grey. A lot of the time we will be sad. That is the beauty of being alive. We are able to feel.

Feeling coincides with fear. If you are afraid to feel then you will never overcome what lies on the other side of it. Peace.

Don’t be fooled by the way I live my life. There are plenty of times I get caught sliding down a rock slide of emotions. I seem to have figured out my ways of talking myself off a ledge. I talk to someone that being my mother or fiancé. They tell me what I think I want to hear then I lie in bed and sleep for days. I still hide out and repeat my mantra “in order for me to appreciate happiness I have to allow for the sadness”. Thats my walk of life, my constant need to arouse myself off the deep end. It also helps to stay active not working but living. Experiencing the beauty that we call life. Go for a walk amoungst the trees, jump in a body of water and hold your breathe for as long as you can, climb the highest mountain or be front row of the mightiest rollercoaster. Don’t let the fear take over you. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. In order for you to come out of the darkness you got to do it yourself. Even if you’re crawling, not ready to stand up. Remember there is always someone rooting for you, someone waiting for you in the light. If you’re reading this and feel you don’t have a cheerleader in life. Remember you have me. I know what it’s like to feel alone in the middle of a crowd. And I got you. I’m rooting for you. We don’t have to be entirely happy to be okay we just have to accept standing somehwere in the middle of happy and sad.

 

Love More, Peace More and Roar More.

 

Your Wild Spirit Guide, 

Allie

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