You would think that after all that had happened we would be done, right? Wrong? That was our first stop of four and day three of seven! The captain now knows who I am and we made friends with people who were just as wild as we were, the trouble was just beginning.
The next morning was pure torture. Have you ever been hungover on a ship that doesn’t ever seem to stop rocking? Don’t ! Andrew, who I mentioned before dragged me to breakfast everyday felt it only right that I go the morning after four shots and twenty rum punches. I told him over and over and over again that I couldn’t do it, but there I was staring right down at eggs, fake bacon, a watermelon and cranberry juice. The reason why, what I ate is so imperative is because fifteen minutes after sitting down at our table everything I ingested muddled with my insides was waving right before us. Like a wave pool of vomit! Man, my new husband was disgusted. I was disgusted with myself. All I kept thinking was please don’t let the captain see me now! I’d surely be banned. Thank the lord we always made it to breakfast before anyone else. Could not let any see how much of a mess I was, only tell them about it after. Aren’t honeymoons supposed to be way more romantic?
The day was New Years Eve, the boat arrived to the port of riches (Puerto Rico) about thirty minutes past 1pm and I had to put my hangover past me. So I put on my best overalls, floppy hat & wedges; took a few pictures made it halfway up the hill and switched to a high pony and sandals. Hot was not the word! Have you watched that Jimmy Fallon & Bad Bunny video? That was us, we did that same walk around had sweat dripping from places you do not want mentioned which meant we needed to find a beach, ASAP!
Off to Playa Peña with no towels, Andrew quickly undressed in public to slip into his trunks, while I was busy looking for a rock to set our stuff on. The water was so magestic, right in the middle of the city with a rock wall that kept the waves at bay. If I lived there I would come back from lunch with sand in my hair “errrrrdayyy.” We swam for about thirty minutes until the sun dozed off and it was longer my personal squeegee. Womp! We spent the entire time on the island wet from sweat or salt water, should’ve just done an excursion. When in doubt do a tour. Luckily we met up with our cruise pals, only to sit at a restaurant for two hours waiting on subpar food. Being hungover really allowed for cracks in our plan of fun, but it was New Years Eve, the fun was yet to be had.
We got back on the ship just in time to avoid getting yelled at by crew members. Quickly scurried back to our rooms to get all dolled up so that we could join our new found friends for a champagne toast. Dinner was amazing, Andrew and I hadn’t made it to the fancy part of the boat up until that point. Three course meal for free, who knew! Coffee arrived with the boost we needed to find the party, and that’s just what we did. There was one real bar on the boat but not enough youngsters to rage. Our couple friends introduced us to a brother and sister, on their family vacation. It was as if the ocean, moon and stars put us all in that one bar and said “You guys are the Captains” now. Isn’t it always interesting that no matter where you are in the world, people manage to find their own like minded tribe.
That was the only night I never really slept. I arose from my adderal & edible induced coma where a beautiful green mountainous island called St Thomas awaited me. Thank goodness we met our new friends as they encouraged us to do an excursion. The catamaran took us out on the ocean where we were able to dive, scratch that, float with fins to a turtles cove. [Scratch that one turtle with a missing fin named Lucky] We hopped back on the catamaran for a five minute ride to a sunken army cargo boat. I had never seen a ship decaying in crystal blue waters before it was the closest I would ever get to feeling like Pirates of the Caribbean seeking dead mans chest. It was so rad! On the ride back I imagined myself Jack Sparrow seeking another adventure with a compass in hand. Instead I got Ariel when she first got her legs, it must have been the sea or all the stuff I ingested that caught up with me so I died for about twelve hours while everyone else partied like it was 1999 without me. Buzzkill!
We had one more day at sea and one last island stop before we were to head back to Florida. Serious case of FOMO woke me up the next morning. Being the boring wife who can’t hang with her new friends was not in the vows I promised to Andrew a month before. I was better than that or was I? By 10pm the mimosas had kicked in and two of our friends found their way to the pool. It was the first time I was able to enjoy vacation. Not hassled by time or “sickness” I was as Dr. Frankenstein put it ALIVE. And we all know how that ended for the poor monster. One of our friends suggested a wine tasting tour. Does anyone know what happens to Milennials who drink in the middle of the day? If you haven’t, attend a brunch one day. This tasting wasn’t even a taste it was who could chug the most wine while writing jibberish on a piece of paper. Yeah, those itineraries were not made for young adults.
The wine led to bottles, that lead to face masks, then another round of whatever else we could find. How we made it to dinner, I will never know. Our friends parents were seated across a series of emojis. Not much talking just a lot of expressions being shared. We did at one point during dinner get asked to keep it down so someone noticed we were there. Thanks Real Adults for allowing us to infringe on your serious vacation, don’t mind us as we unplug from all the fun we have on a regular basis. We sure know how to make a party even when no one is asking for one. The whole night Andrew and I kept disappearing for a quick round of sex Tekken but managed to find our way back to the tribe each and every time. There were a lot of moments that don’t make sense that night except one, the amount of joy that happened. No matter how old I get; It’ll never become old to let loose.
Unless of course you’re on a boat binging alcohol for seven days straight. My body had no idea I was on vacation, it probably thought I was trying to off myself. By day six I was done. I had become a caterpillar in a cocoon. Was I in the Bahamas, I don’t know, they said I was! All I remember was that water, the one that lures sailors to sea. While everyone enjoyed each other’s company for the last leg of the trip I enjoyed looking at the ship in the distance wondering if I had left myself back there. Did I just die on a Ghost Ship?
My body was very much alive and it was time to head back home. The last night was a blur, we played a round of apples to apples, enjoyed a few shooting stars, exchanged social media monikers then crawled into the abyss of sheets. Sadness reigned supreme as we reached Fort Lauderdale. Could the trip be over so soon? My liver was surely happy to have found the end of its destruction. Andrew’s mom greeted us with arms wide open and lunch by the ocean. Because we didn’t get enough ocean views at sea. We spent the day reminiscing of our time on the boat. Telling her about all the friends we had met, well Andrew did because I was too busy still rocking back and forth. I swear I left my best self on the ship that day. I’m still walking around trying to figure out where my life went left? Why do I not sail the seven seas for a living?
With the engine light keeping us awake we started to make the trip back home. Since Andrew did most of the driving down, it was my turn to do the driving back which in my mind meant making it to South of The Border. A cheesy must stop my mother always does during family road trips. You’ll find yourself immersed with souvenirs and reptiles. Who knew they had so many crocodiles and alligators just hanging out on the side of the road. I had never been to that attraction before. Eight dollars and an hour of your life that you’ll never want back, you will feel as though you stepped into a roadside Jurassic Park. As the snakes slithered us goodbye, off we went to where the most interesting thing that happened was me puking while I attempted to sex this honeymoon up with a roadie, I failed, Andrew thought it was hilarious, a normality in our relationship. A modern day “I Love Lucy” episode if it was late night and on Showtime.
What a honeymoon! After a vacation like this most people sit down and reevaluate their lives. Us, well we are too busy figuring out how to plan the next cruise. See ya next time on Allie & Andy take PANGEA 😂
Love More. Peace More and Roar More,
Your Wild, Married, Projectile Vomit Spirit Guide,