Dreams of Friendship’s past
Lately I have been having these dreams. Dreams of friendships past. This may sound like a repetitive post from two years ago when we first severed ties with toxic people who called themselves my friends. And yet here we are again, my subconscious drowning me in my sleep with reminders of negative energy. Why am I still thinking about people who could give two shits about my well being?
It dawned on me. In all of my dreams these people are attending events of mine starting problems with me, getting people to turn on me or they shut the door on my face as I am trying to walk into a restaurant. These dreams seem to be residual feelings of those friendships. How they actually never supported me through good times and definitely never bad. They never cared to know who I was, where I came from, even though we all came from the same neighborhood. They would attend my group outings and then tried so hard to hate on it when all I ever wanted to do was create a sisterhood.
I’m not a perfect friend. I can be selfish at times, emotional, too honest when it doesn’t matter but I never once put any one in harm’s way. They never had to worry about how they were getting somewhere. They always had someone to bark at bitches when I didn’t have problems with anyone. I never missed a special event, even if I was on my death bed. I always listened when I had zero interest. I befriended friends of friends so that we all felt comfortable, and I always made sure to ask the right questions, like how the fuck are you doing and what can I do to help. So why? Why did you lie to me? Why did you all make me believe you were my friends? Why didn’t you ever come to me and tell me how you felt? Why were there whispers in the dark? Was I not worthy of the truth?
I know what you’re thinking, why now? Is it the quarantine? is it that I push away new friends because I am too worried they will be just as dishonest as the rest? The more I put myself out there, the harder it is for me to be as free as I was. I thought every stranger was a potential friend, I know now that every stranger is a definite enemy lurking in the shadows. Am I bitter? I hope not. I hope I get the closure that I desperately need before its too late. Before I become a woman of doubt and not a woman of the rainbows and unicorns. Maybe I need to be open one last time.
Dear Old Friends,
I wish you had the balls you so pretended to walk around with to tell me why you threw me away. Why I was such a terrible human being that I didn’t deserve the truth. What you really thought of me? What was so wrong about diving beneath the surface. Is that not what a real friendship is? Someone who sees all of you and still weirdly loves you. Maybe you were fucking lucky to have someone like me by your side, maybe I served my purpose, maybe this was always supposed to end. I am not sorry for all the memories we shared, I am sorry that I thought you were my friends, you were nothing more than passing memories.
The girl who still considers you all friends.