Around mid November I felt this sense of change was upon me. We had moved into a new home, in a new neighborhood, with a new mind set. My life seemed like it was on the uphill towards inner growth, a budding relationship and whatever else I could create in this brain of mine. Little did I know the change that was really upon me was a baby. That’s right folks, I am having a baby; oh sorry we. We are having a baby. Together we will be responsible for a human being. Protecting it, defending it, loving it, nurturing it, anything this kid needs to survive this cruel world. This is a wonderfully joyous but insane journey that has been laid out for me. I am no joke drowning my worries in french fries and ice cream contemplating if I am ready for this. Are we ever really ready to make the ultimate sacrifice? MOTHERHOOD.
Since becoming pregnant I have been nothing but an “expectational psychotic worry warrior of justice”. It has been crazy, I have been crazy, which is nothing new if you know me. I spend lots of time overanalyzing everything instead of relishing in the moment of bringing life. Fortunately for me and thank you Jesus for it, the people around me are super excited about the baby; weirdly enough it kind of makes me want to vomit. Their joy makes me more anxious, like I’m supposed to automatically have this sense of “I got this”, and I don’t. My mind is traveling in circles, thinking what have I got myself into. And I know you’re probably reading this thinking 1. this chick sounds ungrateful 2. why wasn’t she more careful if she didn’t want kids. You’re right about everything. I am ungrateful, and I should have committed to a lifetime supply of condoms, but can I be honest with you? I never believed God would grant me this gift. I swore we were on the same page about my efforts as a mother. Maybe he sees something I do not, he always does.
Dear child of mine if you ever read this, I am scared. I am scared that I will fail you. I am scared that I will fail myself. I am scared this relationship with your father isn’t ready to handle all of what comes with being parents and that we will both fail you. All I have is faith. Faith that the moment I see you, you will change me. You will give me the courage to just be a mother; I won’t add any extra adjectives to that. I have faith that if we make this happen it was the power of your love that made it true. But truthfully if I fail you, please know I tried, maybe not enough for you, but all that I had in me. I wish I could baby-proof the universe, make life easier for you. The only thing I will do is be the tree to your bird’s nest. Help you to grow, to fly, but always be constant. We love you, always.
Sincerely, Your Village.
Love More, Peace More and Roar More.
Your Wild Spirit Guide,