Birth of a Mother
Having lost and birthed a child; neither path is a skip down the road. They both can make you feel isolated, confused, desperate with a little dash of hope. You are constantly striving to see the bright side, tomorrow is a new day, “it’ll get better”. Always easier said than done, right? Motherhood was never in my wheelhouse. It was a marvelous idea, a societal theory that you’ll be instantly fulfilled. And sure there are times I feel that, complete, most times I am wondering what the fuck am I doing and how did I get here?
Before we begin, mom-shamers please exit left. Let it be known I am very and utterly grateful to have been a witness of life. But don’t let anyone tell you it is not HARD. A mini version of your partner is out here, walking, talking, making bad decisions, possibly getting hurt or kidnapped as we stand idly by pretending we have got it all together. Pretending that one small movement won’t lead you hurling to your knees. It’s fucking SCARY. Do I have what it takes to make sure nothing will ever go wrong? I thought so. But when you find out your new born baby child of the heavens is diagnosed with a disease you’re still not sure how to spell. (JK I got second place in my 7th grade after school spelling bee, of course I know how to spell Hirschsprung) You cry, like ugly cry all the way back to your hospital room and when the doctor asks you to calm down because what your daughter has is not as serious as I was making it to be, you rip his head off reminding him that he is no one to tell you how to react. Yeah that all happened, because I am an irrational nutcase. Acceptance is the first step to recovery. One day I will learn to be a functioning member of society. Until then, back to the story.
There I was, learning that I will have to leave my child behind, hours after what felt like an ‘a thousand year’ labor. It was then a phoenix rose to the occasion. A fearless mother warrior. Crying my last tears, at least those in front of people, at home I was an inpatient at the Arkham Asylum. True story I cried staring at the ceiling for hours but in front of the doctors I was a cool calm collected woman. And yes what my daughter has is a quick fix compared to what other families have to endure, but for me I was heartbroken. After losing my first, I was so, well a mess, and here was my second chance and she was being ripped from my arms, showing me that life is as fragile as we fear. We have to always be ready for war while maintaining the peace with a smile on our face. Every day she spent at the NICU was one more day we weren’t bonding, one more day the moment I created in my mind seemed farther away. Each visit I smothered her with my smell so she couldn’t forget me. I pumped around the clock making sure she was well nourished. Nineteen days of torturous uncertainty and on Christmas Day we got the unexpected happy news, she was being sent home. After spending a few nights with her I suspect they threw her out of there. She is definitely a SCREAMER.
We, people are never happy. My last month of pregnancy I wanted her out of me and the first month postpartum I wanted to throw her back into my vagina. Back where she was safe and much quieter. Here I was elbow deep in breast milk and liquid poop. Constantly walking on eggshells while she slept. Keeping myself awake mesmerized by her every sound. She had become my whole world, my very own siren luring me into the world of neurosis. In this short time I was shown the meaning of motherhood. To fight hard for your family knowing when to stand by allowing for your children and also partner, yes them too, to exceed your expectations. A baby will test your patience and sanity gifting you with unconditional love.
In this first month I haven fallen in love more each second of every day. What the future holds for her scares me but ultimately exciting. Together we will roll over, crawl, sit up, stand, walk and rule the world. With her by my side I am Wonder Woman. With me by her side I vow to be her cheerleader, her protector, her soldier, her genie making all of her dreams come true. If these thirty days has shown me anything it’s that mothering has all the risks but worth the journey.
Love More, Peace More and Roar More.
your newly added mother to the mothership,
PSA to all my mommas out there, if no one has told you today, you are doing fucking great! I’m proud of everything you have done to make it this far!