remember me?

today is probably my most favorite day of the year. you cant help but get overwhelmed with all these emotions. I love a good reason to feel. you are hopeful yet terrified, anxious and ready. We will wake up tomorrow another day, in yet another year. We made it. God Bless Us, Thank You! And while it has had its moments, we can all agree that the light on the other side gets a little more brighter each time it goes out.

This year has been interesting, I completely lost myself in insanity, or what they call motherhood. I am not entirely sure I have figured this whole thing out but she is funny, super smart, aggressive as fuck and on top of that; cute, if anything she will tear this world apart and master what I have spent my whole life merely dipping my toes in. But its hard, you know. They know your weaknesses. They know how to grind you down to ashes. And all the while you put on this great big smile, because you’re also a role model and you want them to be the best versions of themselves; So yeah mothering is going great.

This post has been written over a thousand times in my head. but it always seems so dark, and its not. its the truth. Nobody ever wants to hear the truth, oh lord god forbid, our puny egos get a little bruise on them. what would we do then? As the Mayor of Fucking LALA land, I urge us to unveil our true selves, be free. Nobody cares if you don’t have it all together. Its kind of our thing. So come on, lets get naked.

Here is my truth. I do not like being a mom, or a wife either. Like ugh, its so demeaning and exhausting. Like why? Who the fuck came up with this ridiculous emasculating (but for a women) idea. Who said I literally have to do everything. Where did I sign up for that? And I know what men are going to say here because my husband likes to interject his opinion too “Well if you got a job that paid for our lifestyle, I would stay home with the kid and do everything” Now ladies let us remember why we are here? it is to tell the truth. You and I know that motherfucking man is gonna miss something and we are going to have to step in at some point, because that is what we do, we make moves before moves were even put into question. And I love how men always use money as an excuse for why “inequality” exists, when it is them who decides whether or a not a women can get paid more. MmmmKayy, we cannot keep doing this merry go round of he said she said, men please it is not always about you, and women please do better. it is about time.

So yeah back to me, and what I want for this new year, this new shedding of the skin. Maybe a better title, not just mom or wife, me, AL. I know it happens to all women, and some women don’t mind the shift, they live in this role. This is where they shine, and by golly I had hoped that for me, but no. I mean I do what I have to do, I love her more than life itself, I just don’t want the job, like the responsibility of a maturing human. It’s a lot, they eat, they shit, they barely sleep, they cry, they want but they don’t want, they love but they don’t understand; my mind is totally fucked, and I miss it feeling carefree, where there lived rainbows and willow trees, and ice cream that didn’t give me the shits. It was amazing. Beautiful even. There was a lot more sex happening in that world.

those were the days.

Now life isn’t anywhere nearly as hard as I make it in my brain. I live a good life, my man loves me dearly, my kid is a rockstar, I have a family and friends that treat me better than I could ever deserve. But I am angry, I am lost and I am angry and there are peaks of happiness, because I am not the devil, just an angel who has lost their wings. I think I will always be this way. I always thought that I needed the right person to bring out the good in me, but we know that to not be true. We cannot seek, only find. When it is good it feels good, I am learning to live in that high. Bask in the riches of my glorious glow. Its a good look on me. Life isn’t always going to be grand, and there will always be hard times, we must stay the course, climb that mountain, because the view, well the view is what we live for.

lets go into this new year with a pinky promise. I promise to you that I will always be true and grateful if you promise me that you always stay kind and genuinely beautiful. And maybe together we will create a future, a future of misfits who have no idea of what the fuck they are doing but do it together.

Love More, Peace More and Roar More.

Your Lost and Found Internet Friend

Allie

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