Geoffrey, where the fuck are you?

you know I don’t want to be one of those parents who screams at their kids. And yet I do. I have tried to be chill, let it slide, disengage, negotiate, whatever you do with a one year old. Nothing works. God Damn she knows how to push my buttons and that button has me yelling all day every day at the top of my lungs. Where does that get me. Oh you know; her laughing and screaming right back at me. Because you know old habits start with you. And so if you don’t nip that in the bud now, forget about it. Remixing those things you hate about yourself and turning it into a nuclear bomb. Hiroshima’d their whole future. Instead of putting money away for college, it’ll have to be for her therapy. Now I know you want to be nice and say I am sure you are not that bad. I mean, obviously. I’m not Satan. That’s my daughters alter ego.

I have to admit though. She is a funny gal. When you get to know her. She dances like a stripper. I taught her well. And truly will be smarter than her dad and I. Thank God for that. I mean she could possibly be the next President, or the puppet master who controls the President. The prettiest little deviant, that would get away with murder on just a smile. Okay I think I am going above and beyond with this. Motherhood is just hectic and a mindfuck. You love them so hard, but they’re terrorists. Emotional Terrorists. And somehow as a parent we are expected to still function in society. If a joey could talk, koalas wouldn’t be out sleeping 22 hours a day. I mean, turtles just lay eggs and dip. There are baby turtles out here dying cause they cant find their way home and Mama turtles dont stop living their lives to nurture them onto the right path. If humans are animals, what memo did I miss? Some children, like myself don’t leave their homes until adulthood. We are strapped onto our parents for the rest of our lives. Are we parasites?

Being a kid is terrific, turning into an adult is a whole other planet of shit. I would be a kid forever, not a kid in an adult’s world. Like just straight up 12 until I die. Wait, I have to be specific twelve in 2001. YIKES. Being a kid when I was a kid, was fucking fun! Now, ugh these babies are so grown up, I mean my one year old clowns me. She could run circles around me, while I am over here still trying to make adulthood fun. Its that Toys R Us syndrome, that giraffe did a number on us. And then abandoned us in the midst of a shitty couple of years. Good Job Geoffrey! All we want to do is enjoy life, and joy has been cancelled. Gone like the wind, Fabulous.

I hope Juniper doesn’t allow for all this seriousness to wear her down. I want her to stay as innocent as I was up until, like now. Life is beautiful, its magical, its thrilling. Not what we have turned it into. And these kids hell, they fucking deserve to be kids. Because when adulthood comes, the only thing that will force them to push forward is the memory of their childhood, the lingering feeling of how sweet life tastes when you’re a child.

My God, STOP GROWING UP; It is a trap. A fool’s game. There is nothing waiting for you here, so don’t rush. Wake up, put some clothes on, like actual clothes, not sweats, go to school, make friends, put the drugs away, do your homework, play outside, sit down for family dinner without your headphones. I promise you, conversation will do the body good. As for you parents, unfortunately we are not turtles and these kids are our parasites, so for the next eighteen years, legally, be there for them. Hear them, Engage, Make time. Nurture that relationship, because who you are creating will go out there and be a person of society and we cannot function without love. Love them GOOD.

How did this go from my kid drives me crazy to mandating that you love on them. Pfft, parenting is a sick game we play. A game of truth or dare. We unveil ourselves to them, more than we should, and dare them to take on this big bad world.


Your lost and found internet friend,


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