Banana Cream Pie
It has been; actually I do not know how long its been. But I miss her. I miss her smile, her dancing, her spanglish. “Longer you don’t make a mess” I miss everything from her Skechers, to her pink beanie and pony tail. She was gangster and cute. She was the life of any party, at whatever time. She was shy and combative. She was the star of her own sitcom. Towards the end that wasn’t who she was. She was “depereset”, she meant depressed. She was lost, looking for a way out. She was a woman I could not for the life of me recognize. She was my granny. The apple of my eye. The fruit to my sangria. My husband’s best friend. She was everything we ever needed and more.
Since she left us, the family seems to be put together now. She would be happy. That is all she ever wanted. Times like this are when family either rallies or crumbles. Everyday I am sure we are on the verge of crumbling. But I sense a shift, the sudden urge to want to be around each other. I suppose that is loss. Everyone grieves their own way, and our way is filling the emptiness with each other. Its good.
You ever have those thoughts prior to the death of someone close to you. What it would be like if they were gone? I had them, but they sure as hell didn’t look like this. I don’t even remember what it looked like. It does not feel real that she is gone. I get chocked up saying these words aloud. I am still waiting for her to scream “hi, Allie!” Man, she was the light of my life. I loved her so freaking much. She could do no wrong and vice versa. She always knew when to have my back, make me laugh and rub my tummy. And I idolized her. We were simpatico. Birds of a Feather type of gals. I thought I would be lost without her, now I see that I am numb. Coasting through life, trying to find purpose of the living and the dead. I heard this in a movie once “It is too cruel for us to know when life ends”.
Two things happen when someone dies. The mourning are left to persevere or remain on pause riddled with guilt, denial, anger, resentment and whatever else. There is a part of me that is guilty. Like I could have rewritten history. Was she always destined to die now or was it a series of events that led her here. Did she feel like her life had no more purpose?
My grandmother was Little Miss Independent. She was something fierce, a force to be reckoned with. So to watch someone my whole life go from Carmen Sandiego to a mere mashed potato. I- ugh sorry that last sentence was intense. I had a flashback of my granny in the hospital. Admittingly, it was hard. She was not the woman I recognized all these years. And I miss that woman. That vibrancy in the room. But she left us a long time. Living that; helped, it gave me time to process. Time to make peace with the end. Of course when it happened I was beating myself up about rushing it, promising her that it would be okay.
Will it though? Will it all be okay? I am not quite sure. I never am. Whenever I feel like I have a grip with reality, it bitch slaps me into next Tuesday! Is death Heaven and we in Hell? Are the obstacles in life built to make us stronger or kill us slowly?
I don’t want to be here. Analyzing the meaning of humanity. I want to be blissfully unaware. Happy pig in mud type of shit. Not that everything was perfect then, but it sure felt like it. There has got to be a way out of this emotional warfare. And I think its diving right into it. The truth. She is no longer here. She is an angel watching from above. And all she ever wanted was for us to live an adventure, praise God, never do anything we don’t have to, and stay together. So I ask myself, how can I live out the promise I made her. The agreement that without her here, everything will be alright! That is my duty every waking moment.
In Memory of my first heartbreak. I love you Granny, more than words will ever say.